We’ve seen many things pass through Hell, including your mail!
Oh yes, somehow a few of you mortals figured out our mailing address, so from time to time, we get your junk mail. As much as we enjoy useless adverts for human objects, and the occasional political flyer, we’d much rather send out our own flame singed mail to you. Indeed we have quite the assortment of post cards from Hellmark (“We send the very worst.”) that will make their way from our brimstone cliffs to the address your little black heart desires. As a matter of fact, we can process any mail you wish to drop off with a singe to prove it went through Hell. Not only do the mail room Minions have an uncharacteristically cheery demeanor, but they will work their fingers, claws, or tentacles to the bone burning your snail mail to give it that special touch. So, dear readers, if you hold a grudge, have a grift, or are particularly angry with someone, our post office is here for you. However, we should mention that tampering with Hellion mail carries much steeper penalties than your flimsy Federal punishment!
The question every John and Jane are dying to know the answer to.
Although, for centuries Hell has been spoken of, we feel quite misjudged! Of all the names the Land of the Living has conjured up… Hades, Sheol, the underworld, and oddly enough, Tartarus. What in the world is that? Never once have you mortals remembered that it is our home. Regardless of our bad reputation, one may be surprised to find out that our mailbox is often full with requests to be the Mayor of Hell for the Day. Whether you choose to be Mayor in person or away, you’re always welcome. See, we’re really quite a surprising bunch aren’t we? Although, as a guest Mayor, you will only be permitted to see the first circle in Hell, which happens to be limbo. Because the other eight are too heavy (and cloaked in utter darkness) for your delicate stomachs to bear and eyes to see. That being said, at times we are questioned by the very brave “How can I become a Minion in Hell?” As much fun as a televised game show competition would be, our budget is not as endless as our time is here. Therefore, we’ll give you the low down on living low. First things first, do you have to permanently leave the Land of the Living? No! Do you have to be short on kindness, and long on a bad temper? Not at all, as we actually prefer the opposite. How else does one expect to make our visitors laugh? Oh, might we add that gym days are vital as well. How else does one keep an unusually strong arm for scooping ice cream? Yup, the ice cream, it’s a hot commodity down here! Yet another surprising revelation. In fact, we have been so badly misunderstood, we’re considering taking your historians to court for slander!
The darkness in Hell may mimic the lights being turned off, but today it. Is. ON.
As if you mortals needed any more reasons to visit Hell, we now host well known DJ’s! On lovely eternal evening, it was lights, music, and action, as DJ Pauly D of Jersey Shore lore (and fame) spun tunes that made the minions dance for hours. Indeed, surrounded by a stage of LED screens that reflected each song as he blasted hand mixed tunes out into the evening skies, DJ Pauly D delighted the ears of the minions in ways that haven’t happened in centuries. Whilst you mere mortals were milling about your mundane existence, the fires of Hell were burning hotter than ever! So much so, that two students of Damnation University (Dam U) held a dance off while surrounded by their fellow under-minions. We can’t say what the winner received as it is too horrible for your mortal minds to comprehend. As if that weren’t enough, Chef Action Bronson came and served up spicy cuisine, which the minions scarfed down using their pokers. Why all of this fanfare, you may ask? Well, in it’s due time and rightfully so, we’ve been recognized to the point of having an official drink! If you must know, while said drink will produce fire breathing antics when consumed in Hell, it pretty much has no such affect in the Land of the Living. However, you can purchase your very own can of Mountain Dew Flamin’ Hot in most earthly stores if you wish to try it out for yourself. That being said, we’re not responsible for any adverse affects if consumed irresponsibly. After all, if you want to visit Hell that badly, just drive on over, but for the love of Mayor Odum Plenty, don’t off yourself!
Pic Credit: Twitter @DJPaulyD