9/3/2024 0 Comments Hellvis is the Bestis!by Leah Cotham, one of Hell's minion
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by Leah Cotham, one of Hell's minion Dear readers, you’re lucky as heck today. I perched upon some brimstone (ouch!) to catch an interview with our dear Mayor Odum’ Plenty. If you’re unfamiliar, you should know that he’s harder to find than a good watermelon is in the grocery store for you mere mortals. Not only that, but he does the hard work in order to enjoy the visits of you mortals from all over the world! That is his biggest reward. Being the only Hell in North America certainly has its perks. “When did you become Mayor of Hell?” In early 2000. (Apparently Y2K wasn’t the only looming disaster!) “How did you become Mayor?” Well, out of 72 people in our tiny town, on a stormy and rainy day, I was the only voter to turn up, so I won by voting for myself. “Do you have a favorite Duty as Mayor?” Of course, swearing A -er- IN other Mayors for the Day. We learn a lot from each other, but I’m glad there’s term limits! “Rumor has it, you know one of the original descendants of Hell's founder, George Reeves?” Well, not quite, but we did find the remains of a missing Civil War Era George when we were excavating the putt-putt course. It was a joyous day, because NOW all visitors receive free Reeveses pieces (known to you mortals as Reese's pieces) on all ice cream orders. And there you have it. Just like life can be, short! In conclusion, we’d like to add that all statements regarding Hell are true (because the Mayor made them up) until proven false by someone who manages to escape this place. We thought it was about time to catch up with Hell’s one-man band, Buddy Keys. And, this time around, we found that he’s nearly half the man he used to be! However, that certainly hasn’t made his music any less enjoyable. Actually, even more so because he’s healthy as Hell. In the early eternity of our acquaintance, he was once known under the moniker Creepy Clyde, but in favor of putting smiles on our little hellions faces, he’s officially (and legally) changed his name to Buddy Keys. Needless to say, we admire this man’s dead-ication. When asked about what he likes about the gig, he humbly downplays his enormous talent and replies “I love singing, being creative, and entertaining is my talent.” We couldn’t agree more because we’ve been watching him and listening since 2004! In fact, if we were not to hear his music from our porches (while sipping burnt hot coffee, of course) anymore... heck, even we wouldn’t want to be here! Although Buddy’s friends and family still aren’t fully on board with his name change and new brand, you can bet his two lovable greyhounds from Greyheart Rescue of Michigan are always on his side. As well as our beloved Mayor Odum Plenty, whom Buddy is appreciative of and thankful to have worked with all these years. Hell may sometimes get misunderstood, but, if you’re in on the joke, and with Buddy around, it’s a regular Disneyland. 7/10/2023 1 Comment Hell Welcomes the Summer Heat!Here we are at another eternally hot Summer! Though Hell is open all year to you mere mortals, we realize many of you prefer not to brave that horrid white stuff in the winter months. So here we've been happily swan diving from Brimstone Cliffs into Lakes of Fire anticipating this hot season to begin, and for you to merge from your comforters and fuzzy slippers to come see us. Believe it or not, one cannot catch a proper tan in Hell without getting burned. However, for a change we've emerged top side to poke more fun with you (sometimes at you) in Hell, Michigan. It's been some slow few months, but we are eternally grateful the crowds have returned. We're ready to serve more ice cream, stock up on more of the punny tshirts, and most of all, playing pranks on more of you gullible guys and gals. That being said, we eagerly await your arrival! Just follow the road that's paved with good intentions named Patterson Lake. 10/31/2022 2 Comments There’s No Room Like the Mail RoomWe’ve seen many things pass through Hell, including your mail! Oh yes, somehow a few of you mortals figured out our mailing address, so from time to time, we get your junk mail. As much as we enjoy useless adverts for human objects, and the occasional political flyer, we’d much rather send out our own flame singed mail to you. Indeed we have quite the assortment of post cards from Hellmark (“We send the very worst.”) that will make their way from our brimstone cliffs to the address your little black heart desires. As a matter of fact, we can process any mail you wish to drop off with a singe to prove it went through Hell. Not only do the mail room Minions have an uncharacteristically cheery demeanor, but they will work their fingers, claws, or tentacles to the bone burning your snail mail to give it that special touch. So, dear readers, if you hold a grudge, have a grift, or are particularly angry with someone, our post office is here for you. However, we should mention that tampering with Hellion mail carries much steeper penalties than your flimsy Federal punishment! 9/21/2022 1 Comment So, you wanna be a Minion?The question every John and Jane are dying to know the answer to. Although, for centuries Hell has been spoken of, we feel quite misjudged! Of all the names the Land of the Living has conjured up… Hades, Sheol, the underworld, and oddly enough, Tartarus. What in the world is that? Never once have you mortals remembered that it is our home. Regardless of our bad reputation, one may be surprised to find out that our mailbox is often full with requests to be the Mayor of Hell for the Day. Whether you choose to be Mayor in person or away, you’re always welcome. See, we’re really quite a surprising bunch aren’t we? Although, as a guest Mayor, you will only be permitted to see the first circle in Hell, which happens to be limbo. Because the other eight are too heavy (and cloaked in utter darkness) for your delicate stomachs to bear and eyes to see. That being said, at times we are questioned by the very brave “How can I become a Minion in Hell?” As much fun as a televised game show competition would be, our budget is not as endless as our time is here. Therefore, we’ll give you the low down on living low. First things first, do you have to permanently leave the Land of the Living? No! Do you have to be short on kindness, and long on a bad temper? Not at all, as we actually prefer the opposite. How else does one expect to make our visitors laugh? Oh, might we add that gym days are vital as well. How else does one keep an unusually strong arm for scooping ice cream? Yup, the ice cream, it’s a hot commodity down here! Yet another surprising revelation. In fact, we have been so badly misunderstood, we’re considering taking your historians to court for slander! 6/30/2022 3 Comments Hell’s Minions have a Dance Off!The darkness in Hell may mimic the lights being turned off, but today it. Is. ON. As if you mortals needed any more reasons to visit Hell, we now host well known DJ’s! On lovely eternal evening, it was lights, music, and action, as DJ Pauly D of Jersey Shore lore (and fame) spun tunes that made the minions dance for hours. Indeed, surrounded by a stage of LED screens that reflected each song as he blasted hand mixed tunes out into the evening skies, DJ Pauly D delighted the ears of the minions in ways that haven’t happened in centuries. Whilst you mere mortals were milling about your mundane existence, the fires of Hell were burning hotter than ever! So much so, that two students of Damnation University (Dam U) held a dance off while surrounded by their fellow under-minions. We can’t say what the winner received as it is too horrible for your mortal minds to comprehend. As if that weren’t enough, Chef Action Bronson came and served up spicy cuisine, which the minions scarfed down using their pokers. Why all of this fanfare, you may ask? Well, in it’s due time and rightfully so, we’ve been recognized to the point of having an official drink! If you must know, while said drink will produce fire breathing antics when consumed in Hell, it pretty much has no such affect in the Land of the Living. However, you can purchase your very own can of Mountain Dew Flamin’ Hot in most earthly stores if you wish to try it out for yourself. That being said, we’re not responsible for any adverse affects if consumed irresponsibly. After all, if you want to visit Hell that badly, just drive on over, but for the love of Mayor Odum Plenty, don’t off yourself! Pic Credit: Twitter @DJPaulyD |
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