SO, YOU WANT TO BE HOTTER BY ONE DEGREE?
A college degree is a valuable commodity. And if you get the right degree, you might even profit from it. The problem is, you can spend a bundle of money chasing down a degree from one of those fancy-schmancy four-year institutions, and you still might be asking, “Do you want fries with that?” as you pay off your student loans.
Damnation University, or Dam U for short, has the solution. For about the cost of a single textbook in an Economics class, we’ll set you up with a gorgeous diploma (signed, sealed, and singed on the Damnation University campus in Hell, Michigan), along with a package of items all emblazoned with the beloved Dam U seal.
Damnation University degrees are the result of comprehensive research into the very core of human existence. So whether you choose a degree reflecting your own unique attributes, or are ordering a degree to commemorate the accomplishments (or bizarre behavior) of someone else, you’ll be doing your part to illuminate for future generations the poignant condition we call humankind.
Besides, these diplomas can really bright up a wall.
Limited time offer... due to a grant from Damnation University, we are able to offer the Bachelor’s packages for only $66.66! That’s over a $20 savings if you were to buy these quality items individually. Act now!
Review the degrees below, then order: CLICK HERE for Dam U Diploma Package
Damnation University, or Dam U for short, has the solution. For about the cost of a single textbook in an Economics class, we’ll set you up with a gorgeous diploma (signed, sealed, and singed on the Damnation University campus in Hell, Michigan), along with a package of items all emblazoned with the beloved Dam U seal.
Damnation University degrees are the result of comprehensive research into the very core of human existence. So whether you choose a degree reflecting your own unique attributes, or are ordering a degree to commemorate the accomplishments (or bizarre behavior) of someone else, you’ll be doing your part to illuminate for future generations the poignant condition we call humankind.
Besides, these diplomas can really bright up a wall.
Limited time offer... due to a grant from Damnation University, we are able to offer the Bachelor’s packages for only $66.66! That’s over a $20 savings if you were to buy these quality items individually. Act now!
Review the degrees below, then order: CLICK HERE for Dam U Diploma Package
56 Degrees in Hell
School of Agriculture - Bachelor’s of Green Thumbology
Making orchids grow between the cracks in the sidewalk; talking to plants,waiting for a response, and nodding knowingly when you hear it; going away for three weeks and returning to a garden that looks healthier than when you left; and, of course, knowing that one zucchini plant is all that it takes.
School of Agriculture - Bachelor’s of Kiss-of-Death Horticulture
Leaving the house for an hour and finding two dead plants upon your return; wilting a garden merely by walking past it; being permanently banned from the flower shop because they think you have, in their words, “Negative Plant Vibes;” and proven inability to grow grass on a chia pet.
School of Agriculture - Bachelor’s of Lawnology
Subscribing to “Landscape Digest” for at least fourteen years; ability to discuss the relative merits of Kentucky Bluegrass versus Tall Fescue; scheduling your spring application of fertilizer a year in advance; and being a major stockholder in Scotts: Lawn Care Products and Maintenance.
School of Agriculture - Bachelor’s of Melon Mania
Appreciating foods to which you would not normally expect melons to be added; having the ability to pronounce the Latin name of the Howell melon (cucumis melo reticulatus); knowing that it’s ripe when it falls off the vine; and successfully braving the crowds for one last late-summer Livingston County fling.
School of Athletics - Bachelor’s of Golfology
Speaking at length and with authority about the rise on a certain green at a certain course; purchasing a car based on how easily your clubs can be stowed in the trunk; watching golf on television and not falling asleep (even for a minute); and purchasing expensive devices which claim to do something or other to your swing.
School of Athletics - Bachelor’s of Over-the-Hill Softball
Scheduling your family vacation so as not to interfere with your games; spending a week’s salary on a mitt, shoes, batting glove, and knee braces; ignoring your body’s painful pleas for mercy; and threatening to quit your job if your boss doesn’t sponsor your team.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Auto Interior Trashology
Accurately tossing candy wrappers into the rear seats; assembling a significant collection of petrified french fries; maintaining a balance of over one hundred dollars in returnable cans and bottles in a vehicle; and amassing one-eighth inch of road dust on the dashboard.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Automobile Accessorizing
Using little bulbs in the interior lights; having a sound system that would adequately serve a small theater; hanging a collection of fuzzy dice, garters, and baby shoes from the mirror; owning a 4-way, 12-volt lighter adaptor to power all your devices; and considering installing LED lights in the wheel wells.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Automobile Economy
Buying a used car for less than the cost of a good dinner; getting excellent reception with a wire-hanger antenna; loaning your car to an acquiantance who’s a lousy driver and not worrying about it; and considering entering a demolition derby at the county fair.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Automobile Multi-Activity
Accomplishing the following simultaneous acts while driving: balancing a cup of hot coffee between your legs, consuming a fast-food breakfast sandwich, operating an electric razor and/or applying mascara, and conducting a conference call on your cell phone.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Finish Perfectionism
Owning a yellow Italian auto dust mop and using it every morning; no familiarity with the inside of a drive-thru car wash; staring for hours at the reflection of the clouds on your hood; carrying a box of baby wipes to immediately remove bird droppings; and taking off your car’s bra every time you wash it.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Shade-Tree Mechanics
Deciding to pull your engine on Saturday morning, and having it back in by Sunday night using a screwdriver, a hammer, and a pair of pliers; archiving episodes of television and radio automotive fix-it shows; being on a first-name basis with everyone at the parts store; and owning a car old enough that you can see the ground through the engine compartment.
School of Communications - Bachelor’s of Electronic Communications
Taking cell phone calls while in church, at a movie, or while making love; initiating cell phone calls during the aforementioned activities; misplacing your phone and using your Apple Watch to find it; and expertly navigating multiple simultaneous conversations with the same person through iMessage, Snapchat, and Twitter DMs.
School of Communications - Bachelor’s of Marathon Telephony
Heating up the earpiece nearly to the melting point; qualifying for a frequent-caller discount from the phone company; juggling meal preparation, kids’ demands, and feeding the dog while a serious conversation with your cousin; and knowing all the fine print of every long-distance carrier promotion.
School of Communications - Bachelor’s of Mouth Noiseology
Calling the children from three blocks away without the use of a cell phone; possession of a no-fingers lip whistle that can pierce metal; ability to win an argument through volume alone; and automatic finalist status at animal-calling contests.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Apple Loyalty
Throwing a party on the anniversary of the introduction of the iMac; owning a VHS copy of the ‘1984’ Macintosh television commercial; believing that software designers should be required by law to develop the Apple version first; and keeping up email correspondence with Tim Cook.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Computer Addiction
Feeling edgy without a mouse under your hand; going without new clothes to pay for peripherals; feeling the need for a two-terabyte hard drive; and spending Sunday mornings poring through the classifieds in search of computer bargains.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Computer Gaming
Owning multiple controllers for each console you own, all of which match the color scheme of your gaming setup; purging all but gaming applications from your computer to increase available disc space; arguing on forums about which game is the best first-person shooter; and bookmarking every cheat URL on the web.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Internet Navigation
Regularly performing web searches with Boolean operators; possessing an inability to close out of your tabs because you might need them again someday; refreshing your news app of choice every hour, on the hour, to keep up to date; cleaning out your attic and selling the castoffs on an internet auction instead of a garage sale; and wondering aloud what people ever did before the internet.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Negative Digital Vibrations
Erasing a hard drive by walking past it; being charged double rates on every computer tech support line in the country; spending hundreds on diagnostic service calls before remembering that you forgot to plug the darn thing in; and somehow buying every defective piece of software ever produced.
School of Domestic Sciences - Bachelor’s of Devil-May-Care Laundrology
Stuffing twelve pairs of jeans and a bedspread into one load; washing a new red sock with four white shirts; separating laundry piles into ‘dirty’ and ‘dirtier’; and stockpiling dryer lint on the dryer lint screen.
School of Domestic Sciences - Bachelor’s of Dust Bunny Breeding
Cultivating cobwebs because they look great at Halloween; using the bathroom in the dark so as to not see the filthy sink; replacing the vacuum cleaner bag annually, whether it needs it or not; and writing down your dreams in the dust on the dresser.
School of Fine Arts - Bachelor’s of Artisanal Rugs
Displaying your collection of rugs with dogs playing poker, smoking cigars, and engaging in otherwise human vices; discussing the merits of certain rugs with people who don’t share your enthusiasm; spending a weekend scouring garage sales to add to your collection; and saying things like, “This aggressive use of color brings an added emotional charge to an already powerful composition.”
School of Fine Arts - Bachelor’s of Multi-Media Collecting
Gaining early admittance to flea markets due to your history of large purchases; adding onto your home to make room for your decoupage collection; owning one of every known chia pet; and collecting enough macrame to build a suspension bridge.
School of Fine Arts - Bachelor’s of Velvet Arts
Amassing a large collection of paintings, all of which are on black velvet, with subjects including but not limited to: Elvis, an excessive number of cherubs, ethnically-diverse, large-breasted women, and more Elvis; purchasing paintings at gas stations; and insisting on giving away parts of your collection as gifts to people who feel obligated to hang them whenever you visit.
School of Gastronomy - Bachelor’s of Culinary Ignorance
Classifying instant noodle products as a distinct food group; using every pot in the cupboard for every meal; cooking vegetables until they turn into sludge; and serving ketchup, a vegetable, with every meal.
School of Gastronomy - Bachelor’s of Fast Food
Discussing the relative nutritional attributes of every commercial hamburger; knowing the story of Ray Kroc and McDonald’s in excruciating detail; owning one of the original assembly charts for the Whopper; and having very strong opinions regarding the merits of competing french fries.
School of Gastronomy - Bachelor’s of Red Meat Consumption
Owning two freezers to store beef; membership to Frequent Diner Club at the local steak house; considering eight ounces of beef to be an appetizer; and taking pride in a blood cholesterol level that is inching into four figures.
School of Hard Knocks - Bachelor’s of Twenty-Twenty Hindsight
Exhibition of remarkable feats of retrograde prognostication; picking a winner after the winner has been picked; and determining the proper way to close the barn door after the horses have long-since bolted from the same.
School of Household Repair - Bachelor’s of Appliance Repair
Disassembling, fixing, and reassembling a dishwasher with no leftover pieces; maintaining a respectable inventory of spare parts for machines that have yet to fail; owning (and using) a washing machine inherited from your grandmother; and knowing what not to touch inside a television.
School of Household Repair - Bachelor’s of Duct Tapeology
Successful repair of anything that is not underwear.
School of Household Repair - Bachelor’s of Gutterology
Contributing to a savings plan to pay for no-clog gutters; marking the calendar with the days on which the gutters will be cleaned; caulking every joint, then standing in the rain to admire your work; and seriously considering removing that perfect oak tree in the yard to avoid leaves in the downspouts.
School of Labor Relations - Bachelor’s of Cubicle Decoration
Covering every inch of cubicle walls with pictures from the family album; completely plastering all vertical desk surfaces with sticky notes; asking the boss for high cubicle walls to add gallery space; and increasing office oxygen levels with a jungle of house plants.
School of Law - Bachelor’s of Parking Ticket Unpayment
Having no room for gloves in the glove compartment because of unpaid parking tickets; being on a first-name basis with the impound staff; consistently missing the expiration of the meter by two minutes; and claiming parking ticket fees on your tax returns as a business expense.
School of Law - Bachelor’s of Television Law
Discussing with friends the relative merits of Judge Judy and Judge Mathis; considering law school based on your ability to predict Judge Milian’s decisions; yelling civil code citations at the television; blurting, “Objection!” and “Point of order!” during lovemaking.
School of Literature - Bachelor’s of Romanceology
Knowing in detail the plot of every novel in the Harlequin series; believing that all men should wear blousy white shirts open to the navel; telling your friends that long hair is sexy on men if those men are from Europe; and withdrawing from the real world because, “There’s just no romance left.”
School of Literature - Bachelor’s of Tabloid Journalism
Knowing Oprah’s weight and meal plan on any given day; tsk-tsking when you read that someone is cheating on their spouse, saying “They never were any good together;” referring to celebrities by their first name and expecting your friends to know about whom you’re speaking; believing that Elvis is alive somewhere; and losing sleep over the latest celebrity breakup.
School of Literature - Bachelor’s of Thick Horror
Strengthening the foundation of your home to support your Stephen King collection; becoming unavailable to your family for the first week of January as you lose yourself in your newest holiday gifted novels; conjecturing on the childhood of Anne Rice; and belonging to more than three horror novel book clubs at any given time.
School of Medicine - Bachelor’s of Beating the Big “C”
Winning a stare-down with your own mortality; ignoring the predictions of actuarial tables and physicians; learning not to resent how your life has unfolded; striving to be present in every instant you have the good fortune to experience; putting up with bodily invasion by noxious chemical cocktails and/or radiation; and gaining a new sense of grace that is contagious to all those lucky enough to know you.
School of Medicine - Bachelor’s of Hypochondria
Installing a second medicine cabinet to store overflow; purchasing cold remedies in bulk; possession of a punch card entitling you to a free MRI scan if you purchase just one more; and being on a first-name basis with every medical professional in the country.
School of Medicine - Bachelor’s of Kicking the Habit
Breaking the back of a practice you spent years developing; finding thousands of new activities to accomplish with your hands; making a major contribution to the profitability of the gum and hard candy industries; surviving your own excessive grumpiness without permanently losing the love of a friend or spouse; and realizing that you actually enjoy the taste of food.
School of Medicine - Bachelor’s of Sobriety
Ability to look in the mirror and actually like the person looking back at you; waking up in the morning and knowing exactly how you got home and where you parked your car; finding that your bank account is slowly but consistently moving into the black; enjoying the company of others without self-medication; and enjoying the rewards that come from a rigorously honest life.
School of Motorcycle Sciences - Bachelor’s of Back of the Bike Riding
Your rightful place, and the one you’ve earned, is on the back of the bike. Knowing your man, sitting just in front of you, will safely and securely deliver both of you to your destination. There’s no desire for your own bike, and no desire to be any other place, but just where you are, snugly on the back of the bike.
School of Motorcycle Sciences - Bachelor’s of Harley Madness
Every day, you worship that time back in 1903 when William and Arthur made available the first bike built to be a racer with a 3 1/8” bore and a 3 1/2” stroke. You wish you’d seen their original factory, a 10’x15’ wooden shed with the words “Harley-Davidson Motor Company” crudely scrawled on the door. You celebrate every September 17, the day Harley-Davidson became incorporated.
School of Motorcycle Sciences - Bachelor’s of Just Cruisin’
Your sole purpose is to travel for miles on roads without seeing another vehicle. Looking at a map, you know if the line wiggles, that’s good; that means hills. If it appears to be the main route from a town to a city, that’s bad. The best ones always connect nowhere with nowhere and have an alternate that gets you there quicker. And on a rainy day, an acceptable alternative is to watch “Easy Rider” for the umpteenth time.
School of Motorcycle Sciences - Bachelor’s of Motorcycle Zen
Knowing you are truly One with Your Cycle in a “sort of Chautauqua”; feeling the wind through your hair, the patented roar of the bike, the steady hum as you’re cruising and knowing that it just doesn’t get any better than this. Having the mindset that ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ is the greatest novel of all time. So you carry your tools, you ride, and you discover the meaning of life itself.
School of Parenting - Bachelor’s of Homework Assistance
Remembering obscure facts from eighth-grade geography; pretending to understand story problems; cheerfully typing a book report at ten o’clock on a Sunday night; and knowing when to say, “I think you’d better re-read that chapter and answer the questions yourself.”
School of Parenting - Bachelor’s of Parental Compassion
Spending more time laughing than lecturing; remembering what it was like to be their age; playing their favorite board game three times in a row; and never growing too old nor too proud to lie on your back and find shapes in the clouds.
School of Parenting - Bachelor’s of Sports Parenting
Second-guessing coaching and officiating staff; volunteering to burn weenies at the concession stand; forcing raffle tickets on co-workers; transporting unsafe loads of sweaty children; and engaging in prodigious bragging.
School of Relationships - Bachelor’s of Commitment Avoidance
Keeping your own place after a year of essentially living in theirs; setting a wedding date “in June” but leaving out the year; forgetting their parents’ names on purpose; and maintaining a decent wardrobe in the trunk of your car.
School of Relationships - Bachelor’s of Love Growthology
Always knowing the right thing to say, and knowing when saying nothing is the right thing; creating safety, trust, and loyalty with a smile and a touch; nurturing spontaneity and sparkle every day of the week; never even picking up a grudge, much less holding on to one; and inspiring intense dedication and steamy daydreams in you-know-who.
School of Television - Bachelor’s of Remote Control Domination
Inability to watch television without holding the remote control; excessive agitation/pacing when the remote is missing; spending no more than seven seconds viewing any particular program; and possession of a hyper-developed right thumb from years of flicking.
School of Television - Bachelor’s of Television Zealotry
Paying extraordinary attention to every advance in television technology; frequent scouting trips
to Japan; ownership of multiple televisions perfect for your viewing pleasure, including those: smaller than a book, larger than a piano, with a flat screen mounted on the wall; and ability to pull in more than one thousand channels.
School of Veterinary Sciences - Bachelor’s of Canine Accommodation
Repeatedly throwing a saliva-soaked tennis ball across the yard; knitting sweaters out of canine hair; accomplishing thirty revolutions around a tree to unwind a dog chain; and stepping on squishy reminders of man’s best friend.
School of Veterinary Sciences - Bachelor’s of Feline Husbandry
Good-hearted toleration of shredded furniture; not minding having a cat’s butt in your face as you try to read; showing genuine enthusiasm at the receipt of a dead mouse on your pillow; and spending more time planning your cat’s meals than you do your own.
School of Veterinary Sciences - Bachelor’s of Tropical Ichthyology
Recognizing individual guppies within a school of fifty and having names for all of them; spending your lunch money on a darling little ceramic deep-sea diver who blows bubbles; taking a grief day from your job whenever one of the little guys goes belly up; and creating fantastic environments on the bottom of an aquarium with multi-colored gravel and expensive stones.
Making orchids grow between the cracks in the sidewalk; talking to plants,waiting for a response, and nodding knowingly when you hear it; going away for three weeks and returning to a garden that looks healthier than when you left; and, of course, knowing that one zucchini plant is all that it takes.
School of Agriculture - Bachelor’s of Kiss-of-Death Horticulture
Leaving the house for an hour and finding two dead plants upon your return; wilting a garden merely by walking past it; being permanently banned from the flower shop because they think you have, in their words, “Negative Plant Vibes;” and proven inability to grow grass on a chia pet.
School of Agriculture - Bachelor’s of Lawnology
Subscribing to “Landscape Digest” for at least fourteen years; ability to discuss the relative merits of Kentucky Bluegrass versus Tall Fescue; scheduling your spring application of fertilizer a year in advance; and being a major stockholder in Scotts: Lawn Care Products and Maintenance.
School of Agriculture - Bachelor’s of Melon Mania
Appreciating foods to which you would not normally expect melons to be added; having the ability to pronounce the Latin name of the Howell melon (cucumis melo reticulatus); knowing that it’s ripe when it falls off the vine; and successfully braving the crowds for one last late-summer Livingston County fling.
School of Athletics - Bachelor’s of Golfology
Speaking at length and with authority about the rise on a certain green at a certain course; purchasing a car based on how easily your clubs can be stowed in the trunk; watching golf on television and not falling asleep (even for a minute); and purchasing expensive devices which claim to do something or other to your swing.
School of Athletics - Bachelor’s of Over-the-Hill Softball
Scheduling your family vacation so as not to interfere with your games; spending a week’s salary on a mitt, shoes, batting glove, and knee braces; ignoring your body’s painful pleas for mercy; and threatening to quit your job if your boss doesn’t sponsor your team.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Auto Interior Trashology
Accurately tossing candy wrappers into the rear seats; assembling a significant collection of petrified french fries; maintaining a balance of over one hundred dollars in returnable cans and bottles in a vehicle; and amassing one-eighth inch of road dust on the dashboard.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Automobile Accessorizing
Using little bulbs in the interior lights; having a sound system that would adequately serve a small theater; hanging a collection of fuzzy dice, garters, and baby shoes from the mirror; owning a 4-way, 12-volt lighter adaptor to power all your devices; and considering installing LED lights in the wheel wells.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Automobile Economy
Buying a used car for less than the cost of a good dinner; getting excellent reception with a wire-hanger antenna; loaning your car to an acquiantance who’s a lousy driver and not worrying about it; and considering entering a demolition derby at the county fair.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Automobile Multi-Activity
Accomplishing the following simultaneous acts while driving: balancing a cup of hot coffee between your legs, consuming a fast-food breakfast sandwich, operating an electric razor and/or applying mascara, and conducting a conference call on your cell phone.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Finish Perfectionism
Owning a yellow Italian auto dust mop and using it every morning; no familiarity with the inside of a drive-thru car wash; staring for hours at the reflection of the clouds on your hood; carrying a box of baby wipes to immediately remove bird droppings; and taking off your car’s bra every time you wash it.
School of Auto Sciences - Bachelor’s of Shade-Tree Mechanics
Deciding to pull your engine on Saturday morning, and having it back in by Sunday night using a screwdriver, a hammer, and a pair of pliers; archiving episodes of television and radio automotive fix-it shows; being on a first-name basis with everyone at the parts store; and owning a car old enough that you can see the ground through the engine compartment.
School of Communications - Bachelor’s of Electronic Communications
Taking cell phone calls while in church, at a movie, or while making love; initiating cell phone calls during the aforementioned activities; misplacing your phone and using your Apple Watch to find it; and expertly navigating multiple simultaneous conversations with the same person through iMessage, Snapchat, and Twitter DMs.
School of Communications - Bachelor’s of Marathon Telephony
Heating up the earpiece nearly to the melting point; qualifying for a frequent-caller discount from the phone company; juggling meal preparation, kids’ demands, and feeding the dog while a serious conversation with your cousin; and knowing all the fine print of every long-distance carrier promotion.
School of Communications - Bachelor’s of Mouth Noiseology
Calling the children from three blocks away without the use of a cell phone; possession of a no-fingers lip whistle that can pierce metal; ability to win an argument through volume alone; and automatic finalist status at animal-calling contests.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Apple Loyalty
Throwing a party on the anniversary of the introduction of the iMac; owning a VHS copy of the ‘1984’ Macintosh television commercial; believing that software designers should be required by law to develop the Apple version first; and keeping up email correspondence with Tim Cook.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Computer Addiction
Feeling edgy without a mouse under your hand; going without new clothes to pay for peripherals; feeling the need for a two-terabyte hard drive; and spending Sunday mornings poring through the classifieds in search of computer bargains.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Computer Gaming
Owning multiple controllers for each console you own, all of which match the color scheme of your gaming setup; purging all but gaming applications from your computer to increase available disc space; arguing on forums about which game is the best first-person shooter; and bookmarking every cheat URL on the web.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Internet Navigation
Regularly performing web searches with Boolean operators; possessing an inability to close out of your tabs because you might need them again someday; refreshing your news app of choice every hour, on the hour, to keep up to date; cleaning out your attic and selling the castoffs on an internet auction instead of a garage sale; and wondering aloud what people ever did before the internet.
School of Computer Sciences - Bachelor’s of Negative Digital Vibrations
Erasing a hard drive by walking past it; being charged double rates on every computer tech support line in the country; spending hundreds on diagnostic service calls before remembering that you forgot to plug the darn thing in; and somehow buying every defective piece of software ever produced.
School of Domestic Sciences - Bachelor’s of Devil-May-Care Laundrology
Stuffing twelve pairs of jeans and a bedspread into one load; washing a new red sock with four white shirts; separating laundry piles into ‘dirty’ and ‘dirtier’; and stockpiling dryer lint on the dryer lint screen.
School of Domestic Sciences - Bachelor’s of Dust Bunny Breeding
Cultivating cobwebs because they look great at Halloween; using the bathroom in the dark so as to not see the filthy sink; replacing the vacuum cleaner bag annually, whether it needs it or not; and writing down your dreams in the dust on the dresser.
School of Fine Arts - Bachelor’s of Artisanal Rugs
Displaying your collection of rugs with dogs playing poker, smoking cigars, and engaging in otherwise human vices; discussing the merits of certain rugs with people who don’t share your enthusiasm; spending a weekend scouring garage sales to add to your collection; and saying things like, “This aggressive use of color brings an added emotional charge to an already powerful composition.”
School of Fine Arts - Bachelor’s of Multi-Media Collecting
Gaining early admittance to flea markets due to your history of large purchases; adding onto your home to make room for your decoupage collection; owning one of every known chia pet; and collecting enough macrame to build a suspension bridge.
School of Fine Arts - Bachelor’s of Velvet Arts
Amassing a large collection of paintings, all of which are on black velvet, with subjects including but not limited to: Elvis, an excessive number of cherubs, ethnically-diverse, large-breasted women, and more Elvis; purchasing paintings at gas stations; and insisting on giving away parts of your collection as gifts to people who feel obligated to hang them whenever you visit.
School of Gastronomy - Bachelor’s of Culinary Ignorance
Classifying instant noodle products as a distinct food group; using every pot in the cupboard for every meal; cooking vegetables until they turn into sludge; and serving ketchup, a vegetable, with every meal.
School of Gastronomy - Bachelor’s of Fast Food
Discussing the relative nutritional attributes of every commercial hamburger; knowing the story of Ray Kroc and McDonald’s in excruciating detail; owning one of the original assembly charts for the Whopper; and having very strong opinions regarding the merits of competing french fries.
School of Gastronomy - Bachelor’s of Red Meat Consumption
Owning two freezers to store beef; membership to Frequent Diner Club at the local steak house; considering eight ounces of beef to be an appetizer; and taking pride in a blood cholesterol level that is inching into four figures.
School of Hard Knocks - Bachelor’s of Twenty-Twenty Hindsight
Exhibition of remarkable feats of retrograde prognostication; picking a winner after the winner has been picked; and determining the proper way to close the barn door after the horses have long-since bolted from the same.
School of Household Repair - Bachelor’s of Appliance Repair
Disassembling, fixing, and reassembling a dishwasher with no leftover pieces; maintaining a respectable inventory of spare parts for machines that have yet to fail; owning (and using) a washing machine inherited from your grandmother; and knowing what not to touch inside a television.
School of Household Repair - Bachelor’s of Duct Tapeology
Successful repair of anything that is not underwear.
School of Household Repair - Bachelor’s of Gutterology
Contributing to a savings plan to pay for no-clog gutters; marking the calendar with the days on which the gutters will be cleaned; caulking every joint, then standing in the rain to admire your work; and seriously considering removing that perfect oak tree in the yard to avoid leaves in the downspouts.
School of Labor Relations - Bachelor’s of Cubicle Decoration
Covering every inch of cubicle walls with pictures from the family album; completely plastering all vertical desk surfaces with sticky notes; asking the boss for high cubicle walls to add gallery space; and increasing office oxygen levels with a jungle of house plants.
School of Law - Bachelor’s of Parking Ticket Unpayment
Having no room for gloves in the glove compartment because of unpaid parking tickets; being on a first-name basis with the impound staff; consistently missing the expiration of the meter by two minutes; and claiming parking ticket fees on your tax returns as a business expense.
School of Law - Bachelor’s of Television Law
Discussing with friends the relative merits of Judge Judy and Judge Mathis; considering law school based on your ability to predict Judge Milian’s decisions; yelling civil code citations at the television; blurting, “Objection!” and “Point of order!” during lovemaking.
School of Literature - Bachelor’s of Romanceology
Knowing in detail the plot of every novel in the Harlequin series; believing that all men should wear blousy white shirts open to the navel; telling your friends that long hair is sexy on men if those men are from Europe; and withdrawing from the real world because, “There’s just no romance left.”
School of Literature - Bachelor’s of Tabloid Journalism
Knowing Oprah’s weight and meal plan on any given day; tsk-tsking when you read that someone is cheating on their spouse, saying “They never were any good together;” referring to celebrities by their first name and expecting your friends to know about whom you’re speaking; believing that Elvis is alive somewhere; and losing sleep over the latest celebrity breakup.
School of Literature - Bachelor’s of Thick Horror
Strengthening the foundation of your home to support your Stephen King collection; becoming unavailable to your family for the first week of January as you lose yourself in your newest holiday gifted novels; conjecturing on the childhood of Anne Rice; and belonging to more than three horror novel book clubs at any given time.
School of Medicine - Bachelor’s of Beating the Big “C”
Winning a stare-down with your own mortality; ignoring the predictions of actuarial tables and physicians; learning not to resent how your life has unfolded; striving to be present in every instant you have the good fortune to experience; putting up with bodily invasion by noxious chemical cocktails and/or radiation; and gaining a new sense of grace that is contagious to all those lucky enough to know you.
School of Medicine - Bachelor’s of Hypochondria
Installing a second medicine cabinet to store overflow; purchasing cold remedies in bulk; possession of a punch card entitling you to a free MRI scan if you purchase just one more; and being on a first-name basis with every medical professional in the country.
School of Medicine - Bachelor’s of Kicking the Habit
Breaking the back of a practice you spent years developing; finding thousands of new activities to accomplish with your hands; making a major contribution to the profitability of the gum and hard candy industries; surviving your own excessive grumpiness without permanently losing the love of a friend or spouse; and realizing that you actually enjoy the taste of food.
School of Medicine - Bachelor’s of Sobriety
Ability to look in the mirror and actually like the person looking back at you; waking up in the morning and knowing exactly how you got home and where you parked your car; finding that your bank account is slowly but consistently moving into the black; enjoying the company of others without self-medication; and enjoying the rewards that come from a rigorously honest life.
School of Motorcycle Sciences - Bachelor’s of Back of the Bike Riding
Your rightful place, and the one you’ve earned, is on the back of the bike. Knowing your man, sitting just in front of you, will safely and securely deliver both of you to your destination. There’s no desire for your own bike, and no desire to be any other place, but just where you are, snugly on the back of the bike.
School of Motorcycle Sciences - Bachelor’s of Harley Madness
Every day, you worship that time back in 1903 when William and Arthur made available the first bike built to be a racer with a 3 1/8” bore and a 3 1/2” stroke. You wish you’d seen their original factory, a 10’x15’ wooden shed with the words “Harley-Davidson Motor Company” crudely scrawled on the door. You celebrate every September 17, the day Harley-Davidson became incorporated.
School of Motorcycle Sciences - Bachelor’s of Just Cruisin’
Your sole purpose is to travel for miles on roads without seeing another vehicle. Looking at a map, you know if the line wiggles, that’s good; that means hills. If it appears to be the main route from a town to a city, that’s bad. The best ones always connect nowhere with nowhere and have an alternate that gets you there quicker. And on a rainy day, an acceptable alternative is to watch “Easy Rider” for the umpteenth time.
School of Motorcycle Sciences - Bachelor’s of Motorcycle Zen
Knowing you are truly One with Your Cycle in a “sort of Chautauqua”; feeling the wind through your hair, the patented roar of the bike, the steady hum as you’re cruising and knowing that it just doesn’t get any better than this. Having the mindset that ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ is the greatest novel of all time. So you carry your tools, you ride, and you discover the meaning of life itself.
School of Parenting - Bachelor’s of Homework Assistance
Remembering obscure facts from eighth-grade geography; pretending to understand story problems; cheerfully typing a book report at ten o’clock on a Sunday night; and knowing when to say, “I think you’d better re-read that chapter and answer the questions yourself.”
School of Parenting - Bachelor’s of Parental Compassion
Spending more time laughing than lecturing; remembering what it was like to be their age; playing their favorite board game three times in a row; and never growing too old nor too proud to lie on your back and find shapes in the clouds.
School of Parenting - Bachelor’s of Sports Parenting
Second-guessing coaching and officiating staff; volunteering to burn weenies at the concession stand; forcing raffle tickets on co-workers; transporting unsafe loads of sweaty children; and engaging in prodigious bragging.
School of Relationships - Bachelor’s of Commitment Avoidance
Keeping your own place after a year of essentially living in theirs; setting a wedding date “in June” but leaving out the year; forgetting their parents’ names on purpose; and maintaining a decent wardrobe in the trunk of your car.
School of Relationships - Bachelor’s of Love Growthology
Always knowing the right thing to say, and knowing when saying nothing is the right thing; creating safety, trust, and loyalty with a smile and a touch; nurturing spontaneity and sparkle every day of the week; never even picking up a grudge, much less holding on to one; and inspiring intense dedication and steamy daydreams in you-know-who.
School of Television - Bachelor’s of Remote Control Domination
Inability to watch television without holding the remote control; excessive agitation/pacing when the remote is missing; spending no more than seven seconds viewing any particular program; and possession of a hyper-developed right thumb from years of flicking.
School of Television - Bachelor’s of Television Zealotry
Paying extraordinary attention to every advance in television technology; frequent scouting trips
to Japan; ownership of multiple televisions perfect for your viewing pleasure, including those: smaller than a book, larger than a piano, with a flat screen mounted on the wall; and ability to pull in more than one thousand channels.
School of Veterinary Sciences - Bachelor’s of Canine Accommodation
Repeatedly throwing a saliva-soaked tennis ball across the yard; knitting sweaters out of canine hair; accomplishing thirty revolutions around a tree to unwind a dog chain; and stepping on squishy reminders of man’s best friend.
School of Veterinary Sciences - Bachelor’s of Feline Husbandry
Good-hearted toleration of shredded furniture; not minding having a cat’s butt in your face as you try to read; showing genuine enthusiasm at the receipt of a dead mouse on your pillow; and spending more time planning your cat’s meals than you do your own.
School of Veterinary Sciences - Bachelor’s of Tropical Ichthyology
Recognizing individual guppies within a school of fifty and having names for all of them; spending your lunch money on a darling little ceramic deep-sea diver who blows bubbles; taking a grief day from your job whenever one of the little guys goes belly up; and creating fantastic environments on the bottom of an aquarium with multi-colored gravel and expensive stones.